In response to the Stamps.com commercial in which “Jeff W. (customer since 2003)” says, “There is nothing worse than going to the post office and waiting in line,” a list of things from nursery rhymes worse than going to the post office and waiting in line:
1. Jack and Jill falling down a hill and breaking their skulls open.
2. Living in a shoe, at any age and with or without children really.
3. Pease pudding that has been sitting in a pot for nine days, as well as the ensuing food poisoning and violent diarrhea one would get from eating food that has been sitting out that long.
4. Humpty Dumpty falling off a wall and exploding all over the sidewalk.
5. A baby, in a cradle, falling out of a tree.
6. Having a name like John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, having people yell at you whenever you leave the house, and not even being the only guy with that terrible name.
7. Peter Pumpkin Eater’s wife, indefinitely imprisoned in a pumpkin shell.